Question: Why was Goliath astonished when David hit him with a stone?
Answer: Because such a thing had never entered his head before.
Question: How did the whale that swallowed Jonah obey a divine law?
Answer: Jonah was a stranger and he took him in. (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, p. 24)
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Adam, with his young sons, Cain and Abel were one day working in the field. It was hot and dusty, and the work was hard. Desiring a break, the sons convinced their father to climb a small hill to find a cool breeze.
After climbing the hill, the boys saw for the first time the Garden of Eden at a distance. It was beautiful, with tall green hills and a waterfall of clear water. Enthusiastically the boys asked their father about this place. Adam explained that it was a choice garden where no weeds grew and fruits and melons grew without needing any care. Cain and Abel curiously asked, “Why don’t we live there?”
Adam smiled and answered, “I and your mother used to live there, until your mother ate us out of house and home.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 11)
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Comments you will never hear in a Bishopric Meeting: Brother Luttmer has been begging us for a promotion for nearly a year now. It’s time that we advanced him from assistant scoutmaster to scoutmaster. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, p. 12)
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It happened years ago in the backwoods of Arkansas. The man’s grandfather remembered when Golden was president of the Southern States Mission. This would have been 1892 or ‘93.
He said that Uncle Golden traveled to Arkansas to attend a meeting of the Saints. This meeting was to be held in an old abandoned Baptist church that the members had rented...When Golden arrived that day, he encountered a mob surrounding this old Baptist church. The raucous members of the mob weren’t going to let the “accursed Mormons” into the building. The members were sitting on the perimeter of the mob in their wagons waiting for Golden to arrive.
He rode up, dismounted, and tied his horse up to a hitching post. He sized up the situation for a moment. Then, telling the members to follow him, he walked straight through the mob toward the front of the meeting house. At the door several men blocked his entry. They were all armed to the teeth: pistols in their hands and knives stuck in their belts.
Golden looked them straight in the face and said, “I’m here to preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ to my fellow Saints. We have rented this church for that purpose. Now get the hell out of the way.”
He pushed through the ruffians and went into the meeting house, the members in tow...Golden said a prayer and began to preach a sermon from the pulpit. He hadn’t gone very far when a volley of gunfire destroyed the chapel’s front door---some of the bullets lodged in the pulpit itself.
Golden stopped talking, left the pulpit, marched down the center aisle, and kicked the remains of the door out of his way. He grabbed the mob leader’s smoking gun out of his hand and threw it off into the woods. He then turned to the startled man. “You keep that up, you son of a ***, and you’re going to kill some of these innocent people here. Now go and find your gun, and all of you go home and tell your wives what brave *** you were tonight to come here and put fear in the hearts of these good people!”
Golden marched back into the church to continue his sermon. Members of the mob began drifting off, one supposes to go home. What they told their wives isn’t known. (More J. Golden Kimball Stories, p. 82)