“What does this F on your report card mean, son?”

“Why-er, it stands for phenomenal.”

“That’s good. I’m glad to see that you’re improving.”

(G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, p. 59)

* * * * *

While visiting the Holy Land, a guide explained to a travel group how the country extended from the land of Dan even to Beersheba.

One member of the group said to the lecturer, “I didn’t realize Dan and Beersheba were actual places. I always thought they were a man and wife, like Sodom and Gomorrah.”

(Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 25)

* * * * *

Mormon phrases are confusing. It’s easy to prove.

I am called “active;” please don’t ask me why.

When I mostly sit in silence [in meetings] and hardly move.

(Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, p. 29)

* * * * *

Once a kindergarten teacher was helping her young student put on his galoshes. They seemed far too small. She pushed and tugged and pulled and stretched the boot until she finally got it on. Then she went through the whole procedure for the other boot. She was tired and sweaty but satisfied when she was done. “There you go, Billy,” she said. “You’re all set.”

“These are not my galoshes,” he said.

“Oh, my word,” the teacher said. She yanked and pulled and struggled and finally got both boots off again.

“They’re my sister’s,” he explained, “but my mother made me wear them today.” (Adapted from Conference Report, Oct. 1987, 31)

(Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 43)

* * * * *

During his years as a missionary in the Southern States Mission, Golden picked up malaria, and it continued with him for years. Sometimes he would be laid low by a recurrence of the fever and chills. On more than one occasion, he was bed ridden for weeks.

In 1891, he recorded an incident that occurred in Chattonooga, Tennessee. While suffering from another bout of malaria, he was confined to a bed in the home of a convert family. They had been very kind to him and put him in a darkened room upstairs. The wife brought him food and attended to his fevers.

One day she quietly tapped on the door and went in. She was carrying a cup and teapot. “Brother Kimball,” she meekly began, “I prepared this weak tea for you. I think if you try it, you’ll feel better. I hope that doesn’t offend you.”

Golden leaned up in the bed and said, “Sister, if I’m going to break the Word of Wisdom, let’s make it full strength.” (More J. Golden Kimball Stories, p. 98)