Two men riding on a bus:
“I need to get off at Apple Street. Could you tell me when I should get off?”
“Just watch me, and get off the bus one block before I do.”
(G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, p. 59)
* * * * *
A Primary teacher was teaching her class about the Promised Land. She asked, “What do you think a land flowing with ‘milk and honey’ would look like?”
A boy responded, “Sticky.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, p. 25)
* * * * *
You probably are or have been a Latter-day Saint Missionary if:
You’ve ever said to someone, “This is my companion.”
You’ve ever worn a name tag without your first name on it.
You dropped out of college, stayed unemployed for two years, lost your favorite girl, and called it the best time of your life. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, p. 31)
* * * * *
Not long after Harold B. Lee was sustained as the president of the Church, he received a note from a Primary president with a fun story: “I held up your picture and said to the children that this was our new president of the Church, Harold B. Lee. A little hand shot up quickly. ‘Oh, I know him,’ said the little boy. ‘We sing about him all the time in church: Reverent-lee, quiet-lee...’.” (Swinton, In the Company of Prophets, 72-73) (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 44)
* * * * *
While on his mission, Golden was paired with an Elder Welch in northern Georgia. They preached the Gospel without “purse or script,” meaning they relied on the charity of the locals for food and lodging. Most of the time this worked...
They wandered back roads into the Georgia hollows and woods looking for signs of habitation. If they were lucky, they found interested listeners, a simple meal, and a place to sleep--even if it was only a barn.
The homesteads became fewer and fewer, and the woods grew thicker and thicker. It dawned on them, after a few days of wandering blind without encountering a soul, that they were lost. They were hungry, and without a clue as to where to go next. Golden recommended that they get on their knees and pray for the Spirit to show them the way out. Elder Welch offered the prayer. It was a long prayer. It went on and on. And on.
Elder Welch was using every “thine,” “thou,” and “thy” in the book with a smattering of “willst’s” and “doest’s” for good measure. He called for blessings on the poor and destitute and meek and widows and orphans and needy and leaders of the Church–until Golden thought it was never going to end.
Finally, he got to the most important part, “Wouldst Thou, oh Lord, find it meet in Thy grand design to show us, Thine humble servants, the way that we might tread to find our way back home?” And then they said, “Amen.”
When they looked up, there were men with rifles approaching on horseback. Luckily, it was dark. Golden and Elder Welch got up, and “we ran like hell.” The horsemen took a few shots but didn’t hit the fleeing elders. They soon found their way out, but this experience made such an impression on Golden that for a long time after, he said he “prayed with one eye open.” (More J. Golden Kimball Stories, p.100)