November 27

When Dave Johnson died some years ago, The Times published in error the obituary of Doug Johnson. Somewhat taken aback, Doug telephoned the newspaper to report that he had just read his own obituary. The voice on the other end hesitated a moment and then said, “I see, sir. And where are you calling from?” (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities by Alma Heaton, p. 66)

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Question: Where did Noah keep the bees?

Answer: In the Ark-hives. (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 29)

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You are probably a descendant of a pioneer if:

You’ve seen more 24th of July parades than 4th of July parades.

There is a black and white picture on your mantle of a man with his three wives.

You spent your summer vacation reenacting the pioneer trail. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 43)

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Mark Twain once went to a dinner party where the chief subject of conversation was heaven and hell. Twain sat in silence throughout the conversation. Finally a woman asked, “Why do you not say anything? I would like to hear your opinion.”

“Madam, you must excuse me,” Twain replied, “I am silent of necessity–I have friends in both places.” (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 69)

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The pope, an atheist, and J. Golden Kimball went fishing one day. As they were sitting in the middle of the lake, the pope realized that he forgot his fishing pole on the shore, so he stepped out and walked across the water, returning promptly with it.

Soon after, J. Golden Kimball realized that he forgot his fish bait, so he stepped out of the boat and walked across the water, returning promptly with the bait.

The atheist was amazed but thought if they could walk across the water, why couldn’t he? So he stepped into the water and sank. While the pope and Kimball were helping the atheist out of the water, the pope looked at Kimball and said, “I guess we should have told him about the rocks, huh?

Kimball’s reply was, “What rocks?” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 59)

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