December 24

The missionary, with his handsome good looks stood at the pulpit. With his Samoan accent, he addressed a congregation in the central Utah area.

“People always want to know if I left a girl back home.” He paused and gave everyone time to envision a long-haired Polynesian girl, awaiting his return. Then he said, “That’s easy to answer. Yes.”

He paused again, grinned, and said, “My mum.” (Mormon Mishaps and Mischief, by D.N. Giles and C.L. Beck, p. 73)

* * * * *

While teaching Relief Society about the family, Sister Anthony quipped, “Youth is a time of changes. Between the ages of twelve and eighteen, a parent can age twenty years.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 68)

* * * * *

A Question a Sunday School Teacher dreds: “How many acres are in a mission field?” (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 64)

* * * * *

A student apparently had cheated on his history test. The teacher called the father in, and the father asked what proof they had that his son had cheated on the test. The teacher said, “Well, the third question on the test was: What were the causes of the Civil War? The fellow across the aisle wrote: I don’t know. Your son wrote: Neither do I.” (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 109)

* * * * *

J. Golden was helping St. Peter out up at the recommend desk one day, and along came a fellow who wanted to get in to the kingdom, but the man couldn’t find his recommend. St. Peter was even having trouble finding the man’s name in the Lamb’s Book of Life, and he was starting to get a little bit flustered. So J. Golden thought of one idea. He said, “Perhaps we can find you in the attendance records. You did attend your meetings didn’t you?”

“Well, I had to work on Sunday,” said the man, “And I couldn’t attend very often.”

That sparked a few ideas, and St. Peter said, “Maybe we can find you in the tithing records. You paid tithes and offerings didn’t you?...Ah! Here it is! I found it!”

St. Peter pulled up the man’s record which showed that the man had paid ten cents for a fast offering once. Thinking about that for a minute he turned to J. Golden for a bit of counsel and said, “This man paid ten cents of fast offering once, and he expects me to let him in. What do you think I should do?”

J. Golden responded, “Well, I say we give the fellow back his dime and tell him to go to hell!” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 99)