January 16

A man went to buy some wood. He told the clerk he would like some 4x2's. The clerk suggested he meant 2x4's. The man thought about it and then said, “You are right; it must be 2x4's.”

Then the clerk asked “How long do want them?” The man said, “I want them for a long time.” (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 18)

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Hugh B. Brown told the following story:

“It is alleged that a certain Englishman was in Salt Lake City sometime ago. He was sitting alone in the rotunda of the Hotel Utah. The clerk on duty thought he ought to go over and try to be friendly with the fellow. In the course of their conversation, he thought he would tell him a joke. He said, “You know, my mother had a baby. It was not my sister, and it was not my brother. Who do you think it was?”

The Englishman replied, “I wouldn’t know.”

“Well,” the clerk said, “it was me!”

“That’s jolly clever,” was the Englishman’s response.

When he went back to England, he tried to tell the same joke to some friends. He said, “You know, my mother had a baby. It was not my sister, and it was not my brother. Who do you jolly-well think it was?”

No one responded, so the Englishman, thinking he had understood the joke correctly, replied: “It was the clerk at Hotel Utah in Salt Lake City, Utah.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 86)

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Replies to callings that would give the Bishop some concern:

I am thrilled to be the Beehive advisor. I am going to need a lot of free babysitting for my twins this coming year.

I suppose I can teach the Sunbeams. I am an aerobics instructor, so I know a vigorous routine we can start with every week to wear them out. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 77)

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As a young student entered her classroom, the teacher noticed his hands were dirty. She stopped him and said, “John, please go and wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with dirty hands like that?”

“Oh,” the boy replied, “I think I’d be too polite to mention it.” (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 133)

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J. Golden Kimball was addressing a group of young people, and a group of boys on the back row were talking and not paying attention at all to the speaker. J. Golden screeched out, “Young men in the back row, go to hell.” The boys immediately fell silent, then J. Golden continued, “And I’ll tell you something. When you get there, you will find people who aren’t satisfied.” He then continued his talk. (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 56)

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