January 18

If an elephant didn’t have a trunk, how would he smell?

(Trunk or no trunk, he would still smell terrible.)

What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?

(An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can’t have elephants.) (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 20)

* * * * *

President Boyd K. Packer gave the following (excerpt) in an address he gave when he was an Assistant to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:

“Did you know that it is normal and healthy to be depressed occasionally? If you happen to hit a good sorry mood once in a while, relax and enjoy it–it is a good sign that you are normal...

‘If you can smile when things go wrong

‘And say it doesn’t matter,

‘If you can laugh off cares and woe

‘And trouble doesn’t make you falter,

‘If you can keep a cheerful face

‘When the world all around is blue,

‘The maybe you need your head examined,

‘Cause there’s something wrong with you.”

(“Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled” An address given to the BYU Student Body, October 4, 1966) (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 89)

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Signs that the Sacrament Meeting talk has gone way too long:

The fresh-cut flowers the relief society instructor brought for her lesson have wilted.

You hear the anxious bishopric repeatedly clearing their throats.

Some adults in the congregation are eating their children’s graham crackers. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 79)

* * * * *

Eve: Adam, do you love me?

Adam: Who else? (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 134)

* * * * *

J. Golden Kimball was a visiting speaker at a Stake Conference. The Stake President, in his introductory remarks, got carried away bragging about how wonderful his Stake was statistically. “Elder Kimball, we have more tithe payers and our youth program has the best attendance of any Stake in northern Utah. We have more missionaries in the field, more temple marriages, and a larger percentage attendance at sacrament meeting than any Stake in the Church. Ninety-five percent we have, yes we do. We just thought you would like to know that Elder Kimball before we turn the time over to you.”

Elder Kimball got up and said, “It is nice to be back here in this Stake. As you may remember I was here about a year ago for a welfare meeting. I got a call from an old friend asking me to go fishing...We lit a lantern to attract the fish and were soon reeling them in like there was no tomorrow. But a wind came up on the lake and we had to head for shore. Fifty feet from shore the boat sank to the bottom and we had to swim for it.

“Well, yesterday I went fishing again with my friend. Wouldn’t you know we saw last year’s boat right by the shore twenty feet down. And wouldn’t you know the fish and tackle were still there? And the lantern was still burning away one year later.”

J. Golden then asked the Stake President, “Now President, do you believe that story?”

“No, Elder Kimball I don’t. There is no way that a lantern can burn for a year under water.”

J. Golden then said, “Well, President, if you take 15 percent off of your attendance figures, I’ll douse that lantern.” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 58)

* * * * *

Mormon Life , p. 23

Mormon Life, p. 23