January 2

Elephant Jokes:

Why couldn’t the elephant go swimming? (He forgot his trunks.)

What is Smokey the Elephant’s middle name? (the)

How do you make a slow elephant “fast”? (Don’t feed him.) (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 21)

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An LDS child needed to bring an old shirt from home for a school project concerning drug prevention. His mother was busy, and she hurriedly handed him an old T-shirt without examining it. When he arrived home from school, she was embarrassed to see what was written on the shirt.

On the front it read: “A Family is Forever.” On the back it now read: “Be Smart, Don’t Start.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 70)

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Questions that Sunday School Teachers Dread:

“Why doesn’t the Church celebrate Christmas in April instead of in December?”

“If angels are recording everything we do, then why do we need to keep a journal?” (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 66)

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A Gospel Doctrine teacher was exhorting the class to prepare themselves so they might avoid the wrath that would be visited upon the unrighteous. “I warn you,” he thundered, “there will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.”

At this statement, an old woman stood up. “But Brother Bowen,” she exclaimed, “I have no teeth!”

“Sister Wendell,” replied the teacher, “don’t worry--teeth will be provided.” (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 121)

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J. Golden Kimball was attending a conference in southern Utah. As he spoke to the congregation about his recent tour of the town, he explained, “and in conclusion, if you don’t mend your ways, only ten percent of you are going to make the celestial kingdom!” Of course this quite upset the people, and they promptly wrote to Church headquarters in Salt Lake. The General Authorities sent Brother Kimball back down there the next conference with instructions to apologize to the people.

When he came into town, he again looked around and then in conference stated, “I have been sent here to apologize for a statement I made a few months ago. After looking things over again and with careful thought and much prayer, I will have to apologize for my rash remark. If you don’t mend your ways only five percent of you will make it to the celestial kingdom.” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p.108)