January 24

Why can’t a man living in Winston-Salem be buried west of the Yadkin River?

He is still alive.

Some months have thirty days, some have thirty-one days. How many have twenty-eight days?

All of them. (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 27)

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Having played hard all day, a young girl was really tired. While kneeling by her bed, with her mother by her side, she said, “Heavenly Father, I am just too tired to talk tonight–could you just remember one of my old prayers?” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 93)

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Comments you will never hear at a choir practice:

Since we have too many voices, there will be auditions today, starting right after church.

When I give the signal at the end of the second verse, everyone light your candles. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 82)

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Once two elders were tracting in the back country of the Ozarks. As they left one elderly couple, they overhead the man saying to his wife, “Ain’t that a hoot, Maude! Both of them boys named Elmer!” (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 151)

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One time J. Golden Kimball was brought on to the carpet because his family was going astray, not doing just what they ought to do. And they told him a church official ought to have a more exemplary family. He sat and listened, and then he said, “Well, I guess, according to your idea of an exemplary family, I don’t think that God Almighty made such a hell of a success.” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 67)

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So, You’re a Bishop? , p. 38

So, You’re a Bishop?, p. 38