January 27

What do the single ladies look for when they go to church?

The hymns (hims).

When is a doctor most annoyed?

When he is out of patients (patience). (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 30)

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In Primary, Sister Crane asked her class to draw a picture from one of the stories in the Bible. After several minutes passed, she walked around the room and observed what the students were drawing. She looked intently at Ryan’s picture and asked what he was drawing. He replied, “This is a picture of Jesus.”

Sister Crane kindly said, “You are doing a great job even though I don’t believe we know exactly what Jesus looks like.”

Ryan seriously answered, “We will when I get through.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 94)

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You are probably a BYU sports fan if:

You proposed to your wife-to-be in the Marriott Center at half time.

You postponed your wedding date for two weeks so you could attend a Holiday Bowl. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 84)

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While he was serving as president of the British Mission, Hugh B. Brown met with an ex-army officer, a diplomatic correspondent, who had been assigned to write a series of articles opposing the Church. “I thought it only fair,” the man explained, “to come to you and talk about it before starting those articles.”

President Brown asked, “You say you are going to write against the Church?”

“I certainly am,” the man said, “What I am going to write will not be good, will not be favorable.”

“It is interesting that you know enough about the Mormons to write authoritatively about them,” commented President Brown. When the man admitted he knew nothing, President Brown hospitably invited him to spend thirty days in the mission home’s library. “I thought it only fair to warn him that if he spent thirty days in that library reading about Mormonism, he would ask for baptism,” wrote President Brown later.

“Why, the idea that I would become a Mormon is preposterous!” the writer answered.

The man went to study in the mission home library. Meanwhile, Hugh B. Brown was released as mission president and returned home to Utah. Less than thirty days later, Brother Brown received a cable from the man: “I think you will be interested to know that I am being baptized next Friday” (see Brown, An Abundant Life, ed. Firmage, 107-8). (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 154)

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At one point, the Church was all voting democratic. They were accused of political bias due to religion, so the president of the Church commanded that when a congregation was seated, the bishop was to divide the right and left side of the chapel into Democrats and Republicans. The president of the Church did the same with the General Authorities. J. Golden was placed on the Democrat side. He did not want to be a Democrat, but relented because he wanted to be obedient.

However, when he was assigned to go to the Democratic State Convention, it was announced that he would give the opening prayer. He didn’t get up. The announcer called his name again, but he still didn’t say the prayer. Finally, after a third call, J. Golden stood up and said, “Look, I don’t mind if you all know I’m here, but I sure as hell don’t want God to know I am.” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 66) (This story has also been told about the Republican Convention. Seems J. Golden was loved by both Democrats and Republicans.)

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