January 29

What table has no legs to stand on?

The multiplication table.

What is the difference between one yard and two yards?

Usually a fence. (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 31)

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Though this story is not true, the following joke began with President David O. McKay was the President of the Church.

One day President McKay said to his chauffeur, “Instead of you driving today, would you let me drive the limo a little ways, and you sit in the back seat of the car.” President McKay was having so much fun driving that he forgot how fast he was going. A Highway Patrol officer soon spotted this speeding car and turned on his flashing lights and siren. President McKay hurried off the road, and the Highway Patrol officer got out of his vehicle and walked over to the car.

President McKay rolled down the tinted window and said hello to the officer. The officer immediately recognized him and said, “How are you today, President McKay? Did you know you were driving faster than the posted speed limit?”

President McKay replied, “I am sorry, sir. I really wasn’t paying attention to my speed.”

The patrol officer said, “Please wait here, while I check something in my patrol car.”

The officer called his superior officer and said, “You won’t believe who I just picked up for speeding; it is President McKay. What should I do?”

“Well, I guess you should give him a ticket.”

The Highway Patrol officer replied, “I am afraid to give him a ticket. If President McKay is driving the limo, who do you think is sitting in the back seat?” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 96)

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Announcements you will never see in the Ward Bulletin:

This is your last warning to pay your overdue library fines.

There will be a food storage swap meet at the Enrichment meeting Thursday night. Please don’t bring anything over three years old. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 87)

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Client: Well, now that you have examined my records, how am I doing financially?

Accountant: Well sir, I can give you the same odds the Lord gave Noah.

Client: What would that be?

Accountant: You have forty days and forty nights to keep from going under. (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 157)

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J. Golden Kimball was giving a talk at church, and his eyes weren’t what they used to be. He was trying to read from his notes. He held them out at arm’s length, and then he said, “It’s not that I can’t see, it is just that my arms are too damn short.” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 67)

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Mormon Life,  p. 42

Mormon Life, p. 42