January 8

Did you hear about the person who:

Who took a ruler to bed with him so he could see how long he slept?

Who took some hay to bed with him so he could feed his night “mare?”

Who went to the lumberyard to find the draft board? (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 14)

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J. Golden Kimball once said, “Remember when the sons of God got together and shouted for joy because they were coming to this earth life---

“If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have shouted so loud!” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 79)

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You are probably a Latter-day Saint if:

You have a family tree, call your congregation a branch, and refer to your scriptures as sticks.

You know that Ensigns are as important to you as enzymes.

All of your bathing suits come in one piece. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 73)

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Brigham Young: I would like to see the footsteps of the Almighty (and they are now beginning to be visible) in His going forth to cut off the bitter branches, and by-and-by the stone cut out of the mountain will begin to roll forth, and if it does not soon crush some of the toes of the great image, I am mistaken. From present appearances, I think the toes will be pretty well mutilated before the stone reaches them (Journal of Discourses 9:273-274). (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 127)

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One day a lady was getting after J. Golden Kimball for swearing and asked him if he ever heard President Heber J. Grant swear. J. Golden pondered it a while in a most serious way and finally said, “Yes. There was one occasion.”

“It was on one occasion when we were traveling to St. George during a drought. Everywhere we looked, rivers and canals were dry, crops were destroyed, and cattle and other animals lay dead on the side of the road.” After having seen all this, J. Golden said to President Grant, “This is a damn shame!”

And President Grant said, “It sure is!” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 87)

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So, You’re a Bishop , p. 34

So, You’re a Bishop, p. 34