January 9

Did you hear about the person who:

Was so modest that he went into the closet to change his mind?

Who took his pregnant wife to a grocery store because he heard they had free delivery?

Who moved to the city because he heard that the country was going to war? (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 15)

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At the conclusion of a stake conference, a man came up to President Joseph Fielding Smith, handed him a conference program and asked him if he would put his ‘John Henry’ on it. So President smith did just that. In big bold letters he wrote JOHN HENRY. (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 82)

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You are probably a Latter-day Saint if:

During the middle of church, without being asked, you suddenly walked up to the pulpit, gave an extemporaneous talk, and no one thought it was strange.

You think that degrees accurately measure both “temperature” and “glory.” (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 73)

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Woman (on telephone with highway patrol office): Are the roads safe today, with the snow storm and everything?

Officer: They are slippery but passable.

Woman: I don’t want to pass anyone, sir. I just want to know---is it safe to follow. (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 129)

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In southern Utah, when the Quarterly Conference of the Church was to begin its broadcasting by KSL radio, Brother Kimball was to speak last, at 3:45 p.m., and the broadcasting was to cease at 4 p.m. This was to give Brother Kimball enough time for a short talk but to lessen the chance of him swearing, for which he was known. Also, to lessen the change of a slip, President Grant had asked him to give a written talk. The Conference proceeded as scheduled until the time for Brother Kimball’s talk. As he got up to give his talk, he looked at the large microphone on the stand, then at President Grant.

Then turning to the audience, he said, “I don’t see how the hell I am suppose to get inspired with this damn microphone in front of me and President Grant behind me.” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 89)

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