February 14

First Boy: I would have danced with her if it hadn’t been for something she said.

Second Boy: What was that?

First Boy: No. (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 46)

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JeffreyR. Holland: “She (his wife] counters that story by reminding me that when I arrived for our first date, her little brother shouted to her, ‘Hey, dreamboat, your barnacle is here!’

“Actually neither of those stories is true.” (BYU Devotional, February 15, 2000).

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A mission president was giving orientation to six new missionaries. During his remarks, he quipped, “When a big, mean dog chases after you, remember that you don’t have to run faster than the dog–you just have to outrun your companion.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 109)

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Signs you will never see inside your chapel:

Twenty-year-old wheat available. Free if you haul it away.

Join with a friend for group discounts on tithing. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 93)

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Spencer W. Kimball: I am comforted with the assurance that there will be beautiful music in heaven, for which I am most grateful. Some say there will be no music in that other place–but then some sounds today that are passed off as music seem to belong in that other place (Church News, 2 Oct. 1982, 3). (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 167)

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During the Great Depression, Elder J. Golden Kimball was walking down the street after conference, accompanied by a banker. The banker told J. Golden, “I don’t think you as a General Authority should be swearing like you do.” Elder Kimball replied, “This is a hell of a time for a banker to be giving advice.” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 84)

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So, You’re a Bishop? , p. 77

So, You’re a Bishop?, p. 77