February 18

A marriage counselor began to ask a woman some questions concerning her disposition.

Counselor: Did you wake up grumpy this morning?

Woman: No, I let him sleep. (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 51)

* * * * *

A Catholic Priest was walking down the street one day when he saw a young boy in a yard sprinkling water on some newborn puppies.

The Priest turned to the boy and asked curiously, “What are you doing?”

“I’m baptizing my new puppies.”

The Priest asked, “What will the puppies be?”

The lad answered, “Catholic puppies.”

Satisfied with this answer, the Priest continued his walk down the street.

Two weeks later, the Priest noticed the same boy dunking his puppies gently in a small swimming pool. The Priest asked, “What are you doing?”

“I’m baptizing my puppies,” replied the lad.

“Aren’t these the same puppies you said you baptized as Catholic puppies last week?”

“Yes,” the boy answered. “But now their eyes are open!” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 113)

* * * * *

Famous Quotes of Elementary School Teachers you will never hear:

To Methuselah: “You should know better than that. Get back into your seat and please start acting your age.”

To Amalickiah: “I don’t care what you say, you cannot be the principal.” (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 94)

* * * * *

Too many people treat the Ten Commandments as if they were part of a university exam: “Choose eight of the following ten...”

An unprincipled businessman, who liked to appear full of virtue, told Mark Twain, “Before I die, I’m going to make a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. I shall climb to the top of Mount Sinai and read the Ten Commandments aloud.”

“I have a better idea,” said Mark Twain.

“You do?”

“Why don’t you stay home in Boston and keep them.” (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 170)

* * * * *

One day J. Golden Kimball was walking down the street. As he started to cross the street, he stepped into the path of an automobile, which knocked him down, but did not harm him. J. Golden got up and as he brushed himself off, said, “Some people’s eye sight is so poor they can’t tell the Lord’s anointed from a Gentile!” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 104)

* * * * *

Mission Moments , p. 46

Mission Moments, p. 46