February 19

As the husband and wife drove along the highway, somewhat under the stress of a disagreement, the husband saw an old donkey standing out in the field. Thinking he would score one on his wife, he nodded toward the animal and smiling said, “Relative of yours?” “Yes,” was the immediate reply, “by marriage.” (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 51)

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You might be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

If you have one child in diapers and one on a mission.

If at least one of your bowls is at a neighbor’s house.

If you have to say the name of the child you are going to discipline, more than three times. (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 113)

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Famous Quotes of Elementary School Teachers you will never hear:

To Solomon: “These two girls both claim to own this doll. What do you think we should do?”

To Benjamin: “That was a wonderful speech you gave.”

To Elijah: “I am sure you are capable of tracing your family lineage.” (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 94)

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Henry Ward Beecher was once contemplating buying a horse. The famous preacher was shown many horses by the owner of the stables. The owner had particularly high praise for a certain fine-looking animal.

“Now here is a horse that is really sound. He can go at any gait. He stands without hitching, works any place you put him, goes when you want him to, and stops the minute you say ‘Whoa.’ He is perfectly gentle, yet full of spirit. He has no bad traits, doesn’t kick and doesn’t bite, and he comes when you call him.”

With a wistful look in his eye, Mr. Beecher responded, “If only that horse were a member of my Church.” (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 171)

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Brother J. Golden Kimball was out on his ranch, separating out the best of his calves to pay his tithing. He would isolate the desired animals from the rest of the herd and then go to open the gate to the corral. But while he went to open the gate, the calves would all go back in the herd. This same occurrence happened three times. Finally, Brother Kimball lost his temper and shouted, “Satan, if you do this one more time, I’ll give the whole damn herd to the Lord.”

Brother Kimball proceeded as before, separating the best calves for the Bishop’s storehouse. This time when he went to open the gate, the calves stayed separated, and he was able to get them into the corral. (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 105)

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