February 2

What nut is used for a trunk?

Chestnut. (chest nut)

What nut borders on the sea?

Beechnut. (Beach nut) (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 33)

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During a college basketball game, a returned missionary said to his girlfriend, “Look at that tall fellow out there playing center. He’ll be our best man before the season’s over.”

The young girlfriend replied, “Oh, sweetheart, what a wonderful way to propose!” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 101)

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Announcements you will never see in the Ward Bulletin:

Congratulations to Brother Jones for winning the Ward’s World Series pool of a record $900.

There will be a Sunday school fundraiser this Wednesday evening. Proceeds will enhance the depleted pizza fund. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 87)

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It is really hard to save money when your neighbors keep buying things you can’t afford.

Misers aren’t fun to live with, but they sure do make terrific ancestors. (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 159)

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During a General Conference of the Church it was reported that J. Golden Kimball stood up and motioning to the other general authorities behind him, said, “The brethren asked me if I had read the Old Testament. I said I had, and if the Lord will forgive me, I will never do it again! (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 70)

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Mormon Life,  p. 55

Mormon Life, p. 55