February 26

George stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day, and he would have to return the next day. “What for?” he snapped at the judge. His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, said, “Twenty dollars–for contempt of court. That’s why!” Then, noticing that the man was checking his wallet, the judge said, “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay the fine right now.” George replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough money to say two more words.” (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 64)

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A young boy was sitting next to his mother in Sacrament Meeting and whispered, “What is that man behind us singing?”

“Base,” she whispered back.

“That’s why it sounds so funny. We are singing ‘Silent Night.’” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 118)

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You are probably a Bishop if:

You have a mantle even though you don’t have a fireplace.

When your phone hasn’t rang for an hour, you check to see if it is still working. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 97)

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Shortly before the death of Thoreau, a pious aunt visited him and asked, “Have you made your peace with God, Henry?”

“I don’t know that we ever quarreled,” he replied. (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 177)

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J. Golden Kimball was the visiting authority at a Stake Conference. The weather was warm and sunny. The afternoon session of conference began in the early afternoon. After the opening formalities of song and prayer, the congregation settled back in their seats to begin the tedious business of sustaining the authorities of the church. Brother Kimball, noting the lack of attention he was receiving, became somewhat perturbed. Then without a pause or a change in voice, he said, “It is proposed that Mount Nebo be moved into Utah Lake, all in favor manifest by the usual sign.” Surprisingly, a majority of the people raised their hands.

Then J. Golden raised his voice and said, “Just how in the hell do you people propose we get Mount Nebo into Utah Lake!” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 57)

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