February 27

Jim asked Sam what kind of gas mileage he was getting on his new car. He answered, “Well, as nearly as I can figure, I get about four miles to the gallon–and my teenage son gets the rest.” (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 68)

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Sister Cooper had just turned 90. She had directed and sung in the Ward choir for 50 years. At a social to honor her long-time music achievement, past and present members of the choir were invited. At this gathering of people, the new choir director said to Sister Cooper, “All of us are wanting to sing for you. Could you please choose three hymns (him’s) you would like.”

Sister Cooper thought for a moment. Then pointing and smiling, she said, “I’ll take him, and him, and him.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 119)

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Comments you will never hear in a Scout Meeting:

“I’ve been a scoutmaster for three yeas and never once had to use the first aid kit.”

“Do we have to go out and play basketball right now?”

“Someone start making some noise please. It’s much too quiet in here.” (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 100)

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When you aim for perfection, you find that it’s a moving target.

Teacher: How much is four times four, Kenny?

Kenny: Sixteen.

Teacher: That’s pretty good.

Kenny: Pretty good? I’d call it perfect. (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 178)

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J. Golden Kimball was examining a hat in ZCMI. When a clerk approached him, he asked the price. The clerk replied, “Ten dollars.” J. Golden then started to look inside the hat, pulling back the band. The clerk inquired, “What are you looking for?” Without looking up, J. Golden responded, “Holes.”

“Holes,” questioned the confused clerk. “Yes,” said J. Golden, “for the ears of the jack-ass who would pay ten dollars for this hat.” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 62)

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Mission Moments , p. 20

Mission Moments, p. 20