February 3

What nut do people drink?

Coconut.

What nut makes a noise like a sneeze?

Cashew nut. (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 33)

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A returned missionary said to his date, “If I want to kiss you, would you yell for help?”

She replied, “Only if you think you need help.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 101)

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Announcements you will never see in the Ward Bulletin:

Contact Sister Johnson to buy tickets for this month’s raffle---a brand new mountain bike.

Don’t miss Enrichment night this Thursday at 7 p.m. We will have a class on astrology. Come and see what is in your future. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 88)

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Two men stood before the casket of a wealthy friend. “How much property did he leave?” asked one. “All of it,” replied the other.

They say the auto industry employs more than a million workers. How can so many people make a living from something nobody has paid for? (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 159)

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Once when J. Golden Kimball was preaching a funeral sermon in San Francisco, he was describing the great virtues and talents of the man who had died. While doing this, he said, “I know he was a good man. He lived the gospel. And what’s more, brothers and sisters, he always read the Deseret News, and it takes a damn good man to do that.” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 72)

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Mormon Life,  p. 58

Mormon Life, p. 58