February 4

What is it that goes from New York to Albany without moving?

The road.

Why is a cat biting his tail like a good manager?

He can make both ends meet. (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 33)

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Engaged to be married, a returned missionary asked his father, “How much does a marriage license cost?”

Brother Sorenson smiled and said, “Twenty dollars down and your income for the rest of your life.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 102)

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Comments you will never hear in a Young Women’s Meeting:

“Please ask my mom to be a chaperone for the dance. I love it when she is around to check up on me.”

“Is there any way that we can change fast Sundays to start skipping three meals instead of just two?” (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 90)

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John Taylor: You have had hard times; still you are living and thriving: there are none of you naked or without shoes, hats or bonnets. You seem to be provided with a great many of the good things of this life. You seem to be doing tolerably well. There is one advantage you have---no one will want to steal away anything you have, will they? I do not think you have anything they would want! Consequently, you are free from this trouble (Journal of Discourses 23:16). (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 160)

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Once when J. Golden Kimball was conducting a discussion on modern-day revelation in an adult Sunday school, a member asked why they didn’t hear as much about this as in the early days of the church. Brother Kimball replied, “Well, it is like this. Any man can receive revelations for himself and for his own family. But there is only one person authorized to receive revelations for the whole church, and that is the president. And he travels around so damn much, God can’t catch up with him!” (The J. Golden Kimball Stories, by Eric A. Eliason, p. 72)

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Mormon Life , p. 61

Mormon Life, p. 61