March 1

An older gentleman, Jim, was walking along a little trail enjoying the beautiful autumn colors when he was approached by three young men. Quickly they agreed to have some fun with the elderly gentleman, so they approached single file with the first one saying, “Good morning Father Abraham.”

The second one approached saying, “Good morning Father Isaac.”

The third one approached saying, “Good morning Father Jacob.”

Jim, looking straight at the three young men said, “I am not Father Abraham, nor am I Father Isaac, nor am I Father Jacob, but I am Saul, the son of Kish, and I am out looking for my father’s donkeys, and lo and behold, I have found all three of them.” (G-Rated Jokes and Other Rarities, by Alma Heaton, p. 72)

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Having received permission from his parents, Jack invited two of his non-member friends to a Ward barbeque party. When the family and friends all sat down to eat, one non-member friend turned to the other and said quietly, “They always say a blessing on the food. I think they do it so everyone has a fair start getting their food.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 122)

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Comments you will never hear in a Scout Meeting:

“This makes eight weeks in a row that you have all arrived on time.”

“Why don’t any of you want to eat one of these nice fresh brownies?”

“Don’t bother raising your hands---just shout out whatever you want to say.” (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 101)

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Brigham Young: Joseph Smith was arraigned before Judge Austin A. King on a charge of treason. The Judge inquired of Joseph, “Do you believe and teach the doctrine that in the course of time, the Saints will possess the earth?” Joseph replied that he did.

“Do you believe that the Lord will raise up a kingdom that will fill the whole earth and rule over all other kingdoms, as the Prophet Daniel has said,” Joseph replied: “Yes sir, I believe that Jesus Christ will reign as the king of nations.”

“Write that down clerk; we want to fasten upon him the charge of treason, for if he believes this, he must believe that the State of Missouri will crumble and fall to rise no more.

Lawyer Doniphan said to the Judge, “Judge, you had better make the Bible treason while you are at it and have done with it.” (Journal of Discourses 9:331). (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 181)

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Elder Bruce D. Porter: Some years ago I heard a story about a little boy in Primary class who was asked to say the opening prayer.

“Heavenly Father,” said the boy, “I thank thee for the letter A. I thank thee for the letter B. I thank thee for the letter C.” The teacher realized this could be a very long prayer, but she restrained herself from stopping him.

He went on to give thanks for every letter of the alphabet through Z. Then he said, “And Heavenly Father, I thank thee for the number one. I thank thee for the number two.” And so on he went.

His teacher nearly panicked. She didn’t know how high the boy could count. She felt she had to stop him, but again something seemed to restrain her. The boy kept on praying until he reached the number twenty. And then he said, “And Heavenly Father, I thank thee for my Primary teacher, who is the only grown-up who ever let me finish my prayer” (“Did You Think to Pray?,” BYU Devotional, December 4, 2012).

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So, You’re a Bishop? , p. 9

So, You’re a Bishop?, p. 9