March 15

Q: What's the difference between taking a bath in dirty water and dating a returned missionary?

A: The dirty water leaves a ring.

One night the junior missionary woke his companion. ”I think there’s a burglar in the kitchen eating the cake I made,” said the elder. His companion replied, “Should I call the police or an ambulance?”

Sometimes I wake up Grumpy on P-day, but sometimes I let him (my companion) sleep in.


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In a Relief Society meeting about families, the instructor was talking about the challenges of raising teenagers. One of the members raised her hand and said, “You can tell that a teenager is growing up when he stops asking where he came from and quits telling you where he’s going.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 135)

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Daniel’s mother when he was a child: “This has got to stop. You can’t bring home any more stray cats.”

Samson’s mother when he was a child: “He is so wimpy about getting his hair cut. I hope it is just a stage that he grows out of.” (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 108)

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Richard L. Evans: A smart young man had just returned from college, and at the table he wished to show his parents what extraordinary advancement he had made. “Why, father, says he, “you can hardly conceive of the advancement I have made.”

“Well, my son,” says the father, “I am sure I am glad to hear you say so, and I trust you will make a great man.”

The mother had put two ducks on the table for dinner, and the young man proposed to give his father a specimen of his smartness.

“Now,” he says, “you see there are only two ducks, don’t you?”

“Yes,” answered the father.

“Well, I can prove to you that there are three ducks.”

“Can you?” says the father. “That’s quite extraordinary, really. How can you do it?”

“Well,” says the son, I will show you.” Pointing to one duck he said, “That’s one?”

Father: “Yes.”

Son, pointing to the other duck: “That’s two?”

Father: “Yes.”

“Well, two and one make three, don’t they?”

“Quite so,” says the father. “It is very extraordinary, and to show you how much I appreciate it, I will eat one of these ducks, and your mother will eat the other one, and we will leave the third one for you” (Conference Report, Oct. 1943,38). (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 202)

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J. Golden Kimball: “I feel happy, just as happy as a man can feel with rheumatism.” (The Golden Legacy, A Folk History of J. Golden Kimball, by Thomas E. Cheney, p. 91)

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Mission Moments,  p. 67

Mission Moments, p. 67