March 27

Two elderly women were discussing life on their front porch when one said, "You know what's really worrying me?"

Her friend answered, "No, what's really worrying you?"

"I am so old that all my friends in the Celestial Kingdom will be thinking I didn't make it!"

Directions to the Celestial Kingdom

Q: What is the best way to get to the Celestial Kingdom?

A: Turn right and then go straight.


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Doctor: “Well, Mrs. Olsen, we have talked about your high blood pressure and your medications. Are you experiencing any particular stress in your life?”

Patient: “Oh, yes. It is the Sunbeams. They are driving me crazy.”

Doctor: “The sunbeams?”

Patient: “Yes, I’ve never had trouble with them before, but this group won’t sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and down the hall.”

Doctor: (concerned he was missing something): “What is the biggest problem they are creating?”

Patient: “It’s the noise. They just won’t quit talking.”

Doctor: (astonished) “The sunbeams are talking to you?”

Patient: (after a moment of silence): “You are not LDS, are you?” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 140)

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You are probably a Latter-day Saint if:

You know the difference between foreordination and four ordinations.

You have a boat named, “Only on Saturday.” (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 111)

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When James A. Garfield was president of Hiram College, a man brought his son to be entered as a student. He wanted the boy to take a course shorter than the regular one.

“My son can never take all those classes,” said the father. “He wants to get through more quickly. Can’t you arrange it for him?”

“Oh, yes,” said Mr. Garfield. “He can take a shorter course; it all depends on what you want to make of him. When God wants to make an oak, He takes a hundred years, but it only takes Him two months to make a squash.” (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 209)

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J. Golden Kimball: “I sustain and uphold with all my heart and soul President Heber J. Grant as a prophet of God. It was only two months ago that a young lawyer undertook to criticize severely the President of the Church. I was somewhat disturbed. I said, ‘I am going to take out my watch and give you five minutes to name a better man.’ I haven’t heard from him yet.” (The Golden Legacy, A Folk History of J. Golden Kimball, by Thomas E. Cheney, p. 109)

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Mission Moments , p. 63

Mission Moments, p. 63