April 17

An old couple died in a car crash and went to heaven. They had been in good health their entire lives due to the wife's interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them and took them to their mansion.

As they looked everything over, the old man asked Peter how much the place was going to cost.

"Everything's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Peter then took the couple out to see the championship golf course that bordered the home.

The man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter replied, "This is heaven, so you play for free."

Peter then took them to the club house and showed them the lavish buffet lunch.

"How expensive is the menu?" asked the man.

"You mean you don't understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter patiently explained, "That's the best part. You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger.

Peter and the man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"


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Speaking to her teenage granddaughters, a grandmother told them, “We are only young once, but we can be immature indefinitely. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 17)

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Life is like:

A brand new car; you have got to stay clean to shine.

A baseball game; your sole purposes is to get back home safely. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 125)

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To an embittered woman who had written him asking that her name be removed from the records of the Church, Brigham Young dictated the following: “Madam, I have this day examined the records of baptism for the remission of sins in the Church...and not being able to find your name recorded therein, I was saved the necessity of erasing your name therefrom. You may therefore consider that your sins have not been remitted you, and you can enjoy the benefits thereof.” (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 237)

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J. Golden Kimball: “God does not give His revelations through the Twelve for His Church. He gives them through His living Prophet that is appointed. I am satisfied I have got this thing figured out about right...There are a lot of things that we are troubled over. I have spent a few sleepless nights myself, regarding the doing and actions of men who are in authority, but have concluded I am not responsible for anything I may regard as irregularities...If the Lord cannot care for His Church, what can I do? I am going to trust in the Lord...” (J. Golden Kimball, His Sermons, December 1891-April 1938, edited by Bonnie Taylor, 119)

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Two by Two

Two by Two