April 20

Q: What's the difference between taking a bath in dirty water and dating a returned missionary?

A: The dirty water leaves a ring.

A Mormon missionary was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The missionary took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week. Why won't you kiss me?"

The missionary said, "Look, I'm a Mormon missionary. I am not supposed to have a girlfriend or kiss anyone, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

TheMormonZone.com

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After the story of David and Goliath was told in a Primary class, Ryan was asked by Sister Kimball, “What would you do if you were in David’s place today?”

He responded quickly, “I would call 911.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 25)

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Life is like:

A good investment - patience and faith are well rewarded.

A roller coaster ride - just when things are going well, the children start screaming. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 125)

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The speaker stood up in Sacrament Meeting, “Good afternoon,” he said, speaking loudly. “Can you in the back hear me?” The microphone wasn’t working. He continued with his talk. Every few minutes he repeated his question. “Can you hear me in the back?” Finally a deacon on the front row stood up. “I don’t know about them, but I can hear fine if someone wants to trade places.” (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 242)

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J. Golden Kimball: “Are we going to be timid about calling this people to repentance and teaching them the word of the Lord? Well, I guess not, I haven’t enough at stake. ‘I do not know just where I am going, but I know mighty well I am on my way.’ I will deliver a word to this generation, and I have it written down, so you reporters better get it right, because I am going to read it...” (J. Golden Kimball, His Sermons, December 1891-April 1938, edited by Bonnie Taylor, 129)

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