May 12

Q. What animal could Noah not trust?

A. Cheetah

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.

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Sometimes teachers are misunderstood, like the girl who complained that her Sunday School teacher had called her a “dirty elephant.” Her irate parents got the Bishop and the Sunday School teacher together. Upon hearing the true story, they found that the teacher had told the daughter she was a “disturbing element” in the class. (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 90)

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Candid Statements heard from children by a Primary Teacher:

“Why can’t we count our blessings two at a time?”

“I’m tired of sitting. I wish we were pioneer children, then we could walk and walk while we sing.” (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 7)

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President Heber J. Grant, concerned that Elder James E. Talmage was working too hard, constantly urged him to take up golf. Finally, Elder Talmage agreed to play until he hit a shot that President Grant would rate as a “real nice golf shot.” After that, he could decide for himself whether to continue.

The two went to the golf course, where President Grant gave a brief lesson on how to hit the ball. Elder Talmage stepped up and hit the ball, and it sailed more than two hundred yards straight down the fairway. After President Grant had congratulated him on hitting “a real nice golf shot,” Elder Talmage said, “If I have carried out my part of the agreement, then I shall call on you to live up to yours. I should like to get back to the office, where I have a great deal of work waiting.” Then he put down the golf club and walked away. (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 278)

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J. Golden Kimball: I feel a good deal like the story I read the other day. “Some fellow was sitting on the pier that reached out into the ocean, and he fell in, and he yelled, ‘Help! Help! I can’t swim.’ And an old fellow was sitting on the pier fishing, and he said: ‘Neither can I, but I wouldn’t brag about it.’” I don’t want to brag about sickness, because I don’t seem to have enough faith to be healed. The other day I was talking to some brethren, and one of them asked me, “How do you get faith?” Well, it was such a sudden shock to me, I said, “I’ll be blamed if I know.” (J. Golden Kimball, His Sermons, December 1891-April 1938, edited by Bonnie Taylor, 186)

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So, You’re a Bishop? , p. 83

So, You’re a Bishop?, p. 83