May 17

Q. Why did God create man before woman?

A. Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

Q. Where is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?

A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

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Sister Miles said to her attractive twenty-year-old granddaughter, “Cindy, your mother has told me that you date a lot. I was wondering why you are not yet engaged?

Cindy replied, “I seem to suffer from Bible-itis. Men with their lips draw near to me, but their hearts are far from me.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 101)

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You are probably living the Word of Wisdom if:

Getting “high” only means increasing altitude.

You have had an experience with DI, but not with a DUI.

The pack-a-day habit you are trying to break is chewing gum. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 8)

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A young woman went to visit her grandmother. The elderly lady was distressed by what she considered the girl’s wild and unruly manners of speech. Not wishing to appear stern, she decided nevertheless that she should reprimand her granddaughter.

One evening as they were sitting together, the grandmother said gently, “Dear, there are just two words I want you to refrain from using. One is ‘swell’ and the other is ‘lousy.’”

“Okay,” replied the girl agreeable. “What are they?” (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 280)

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J. Golden Kimball: I am willing to live and die with God’s people come weal or woe, come life or death. I sometimes walk by the wayside, and I say to my self, “I now place myself and all my affairs – I haven’t got any affairs however – in the kind care and keeping of the Father, with a loving trust, knowing that all things are working for my best good.” (J. Golden Kimball, His Sermons, December 1891-April 1938, edited by Bonnie Taylor, 197)

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Mission Mania,  p. 6

Mission Mania, p. 6