May 26

Having received permission from his parents, Brent invited two of his non-member friends to a barbeque party on a Saturday. When the family and friends sat down to eat, one non-member boy turned to the other and quietly said, “They always say a blessing on the food. I think they do it so everyone has a fair start.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 122)

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Comments you will never hear at a Bishopric Meeting::

I have been working very hard as the Bishop for over three years now, and the Stake President still hasn’t approved my own parking space.

Bad news, Bishop. All of the nursery workers have gone on strike! (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 13)

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Once an elderly neighbor came to J. Golden Kimball for advice. “Brother Kimball,” he said, “me and Sister Swensen, we want to get married. What do you think?”

“Well, now, Brother Sorensen, I don’t’ know. Why do you want to get married?”

“Well, you see, we want an heir!”

Brother Kimball looked the old man up and down. “But Brother Sorensen, how old are you and Sister Swensen?”

“Well, now, let me see. I turned seventy-three last May, and Sister Swensen, she will be sixty-two right away now.”

“Well, Brother,” Elder Kimball replied, “you and Sister Swensen may he heir-minded, but I am afraid you are not heir-conditioned.” (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 15)

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J. Golden Kimball: Did you ever hear a “Mormon” talk like that? Did you ever hear a “Mormon” damn this country? Well, I want to advise them to quit it. Every “Mormon,” son and daughter, ought to lift up his voice in praise to God that He led those great men and their people to a place of safety. Think of it for one minute. My father, among the rest, was driven from his home five times! No wonder they felt to praise God and dedicate this place to His service...It ought to be self-evident to a Pagan that arrogance and earthly power can vanish over night; all that is not built upon God shall fail. To trust to material standards of strength brings calamity.

(By the way, Heber C. Kimball had thirty grandsons in World War I, and not one of them was killed.) (J. Golden Kimball, His Sermons, December 1891-April 1938, edited by Bonnie Taylor, 233)

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So, You’re a Bishop?, p. 49

So, You’re a Bishop?, p. 49