June 2

It was a missionary farewell and a lot of visitors were in attendance. Just as the meeting began, a young couple with young children quickly took their seats. Immediately, the children were down on the floor, scrambling under the benches. Clearly embarrassed, their mother tried to get them settled down, but without success. “This is the Church and that is no way to act,” she whispered firmly. “What are you doing?”

One of the children replied, “We can’t find the seat belts.” (Elinor G. Hyde, Salt Lake City, Utah) (Church News, September 23, 2000)

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Having a discussion about their desires to be slender and healthy, Sister Pickens said to her three married granddaughters, “There is no guaranteed way to lose weight, although living alone comes close.” (Stories and Jokes of Mormon Folks, compiled by Bruce E. Dana, p. 145)

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Signs that you might not have enough food storage:

You are hoping your children will learn to savor the taste of boiled wheat three times a day.

Your entire reserve of drinking water is in your hot water tank.

You asked for a case of soup for your birthday. (Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 21)

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Q: Where is baseball mentioned in the Bible?

A: When Rebekah carried the pitcher to the well, and when the Prodigal Son runs for home.

Q: What ailment killed Samson?

A: Fallen arches.

Q: How did Jonah’s whale show charity?

A: Jonah was a stranger, and he took him in.

(Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 25)

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J. Golden Kimball: “My testimony was fixed and fast, and I knew I learned by obedience and through suffering. I take the position that knowledge cannot be knowledge without experience, so that is what I know through the influence of the Holy Ghost. I have heard that still, small voice. I know to my perfect satisfaction. There is not doubt in my mind as to the truth of this work... Joseph Smith is a prophet, and there is hardly a Kimball living in the flesh today, of the first generation, notwithstanding we were very young when our father died, that did not have burned into his soul that Joseph Smith was a prophet of the living God...Now, it is along that line I desire to occupy your time for a few moments, and to do so, I expect to forecast from dead prophets. I shall not undertake to quote from memory, as it is very difficult for me to quote correctly.” (J. Golden Kimball, His Sermons, December 1891-April 1938, edited by Bonnie Taylor, 264)

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Mission Mania , p. 77

Mission Mania, p. 77