Comments you will never hear in a Relief Society Meeting:
“We have a sign-up sheet for 12 sisters to usher at Stake Conference next week.”
“We are passing around a petition for a new Bishop.”
“We will no longer be able to provide free babysitting services at our meetings.”
(Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 30)
* * * * *
Boy, with one hand cupped over the other: “If you can guess what I have in my hand, I’ll take you out tonight.”
Girl: “An elephant!”
Boy: “Nope! But that is close enough. I will pick you up at 7:30.
A single man was visiting a new Ward and saw only one empty seat, between two attractive ladies. He felt timid about taking that spot and held back at the doorway. The greeter saw him hesitating and said encouragingly, “You can go in and sit down. They won’t mind.”
The fellow gulped. “But what would I say to them?”
“Just be friendly,” the older man suggested. “Ask them if they are married and if they have any children.”
He nervously sat down between the two ladies, turned to the one on the right, and asked, “Do you have children?”
“Yes,” she replied.
“Are you married?” She glared at him and then turned away.
Hoping for better results with the other lady, he turned to her and asked, “Are you married?”
“No,” she answered.
“Do you have children?”
(Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 65)
* * * * *
J. Golden Kimball: “Now I feel we ought to honor God. We ought to be loyal to our country, and I believe that honest men ought to rule this nation, that honest and good men ought to rule this country. It is a mighty poor time for us now to sit down and feel bad about it, if any mistakes are made...I claim that every man and every woman in this nation who owns property, that pays taxes, has a right to go to the primaries and see to it that honest men go into the convention, and then you leave the matter in their hands and let them do the rest, and hold them responsible...I want to see all the world saved, and I want to see the Gospel preached to every tongue and people was a witness, and I will be mighty glad when the end comes...” (J. Golden Kimball, His Sermons, December 1891-April 1938, edited by Bonnie Taylor, p. 36)
* * * * *