You probably are or have been a missionary if:
The investigator asking you probing questions isn’t a police detective.
You recognize that for some “stiff necks,” a good message is better than a good massage.
Your apartment is hooked up for cable and doesn’t have a TV.
(Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 31)
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If we could sell our experiences for what they have cost us, we would be rich.
In a rural, quite religious farm community, there was a disastrous drought, and the crops were dying. In desperation, the local preacher announced that the whole community would assemble at the edge of one of the fields and pray for rain. A large crowd gathered, and the preacher climbed on a bale of hay and surveyed the flock. He said, “Brothers and sisters, you have come here to pray for rain.”
“Amen,” responded the crowd.
“Well,” said the preacher, “do you have sufficient faith?”
“Amen! Amen!” shouted the crowd.
“All right,” said the preacher, “but I have one question to ask you.”
The crowd stood silent, puzzled, expectant.
“Brothers and sisters,” said the preacher, “where are your umbrellas?
A very religious man lived in a house by a great river. One night there was a terrible flood, and the man had to climb up on the roof of his house to escape being drowned.
After a time some men came by in a boat to rescue him, but he refused. “I have faith that God will rescue me.” Soon after, another boat came to rescue him, and again he refused.
Considerably later, a helicopter flew over and let down a rope ladder, but the man waved them away, shouting, “I have faith in God to rescue me!”
At last, the force of the water broke up the house, and the man was drowned. He went to heaven, and when he saw God, he said, “I had such faith in you, and you let me drown. Why?”
“What do you mean, let you drown? I sent you two boats and a helicopter.” (Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 83-85)
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J. Golden Kimball: I am very serious and solemn at times and worry a great deal. I read somewhere that the man who worries is not well balanced, so we should not be under the necessity of trusting in the “arm of flesh,” but should be fixed and fastened to the “rock of revelation.” ... Some explain to me the things they are worried about, and quite frequently, it is discovered that they are most concerned about matters that they have absolutely no faith in. For example, a person who pays no tithing is continually laying awake for fear it will not be properly used, and this kind of people finally wind up by apostatizing... (J. Golden Kimball, His Sermons, December 1891-April 1938, edited by Bonnie Taylor, 45)
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