July 12

Comments you will never hear at a Ward Potluck Dinner:

The missionaries couldn’t make it tonight.

My children love your eggplant casserole.

This is a good way to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary.

(Latter-day Saint Wit and Wisdom, by David J. Brown, p. 47)

* * * * *

Jan Paderewski, a well-known Polish pianist and composer, was once traveling through Germany. He stopped for the night at a small inn. In the main room of the inn was an old battered piano. Paderewski asked the landlord if he might try it. Upon doing so, he found that the piano was not only badly out of tune but that a number of the keys were stuck and would strike no sound at all. He remarked upon this to the landlord. The landlord replied, “If you were a good pianist, you could skip over those keys so it wouldn’t matter.”

---

J. Golden Kimball: We see your red lights, we see your green lights, and the officers of this city are doing everything in their power to protect the people, but the people do not pay any attention to the signals–some of them do not. There is nothing else annoys me so much as for a man to run on to me with one of those great, powerful machines, and just before hitting me, honk his horn. My legs go right from under me. I can’t even hit a trot, and the feeling I have is that he is saying: “Get out of the way; we are coming.” I got that the other night on First North Street here. I can see only one way at a time, and then I am not quite clear, but I had to see four ways that night. Here came two machines around that corner, with these cars all parked right up to the corner, and they tried to beat each other and caught me in the center. The only thing that saved my life was my being thin (Conference Report, Oct. 1926, 129).

---

President Washington was the most punctual man in the observance of appointments ever known to the writer. He delivered his communications to Congress at the opening of each session, in person. He always appointed the hour of twelve for this purpose, and he never failed to enter the Hall of Congress while the state-house clock was striking that hour. His invitations for dinner were always given for four o’clock p.m. He allowed five minutes for variation of time pieces, and he waited no longer for anyone. Certain lagging members of Congress sometimes came in when the dinner was nearly half over. The writer has heard the President say to them with a smile, “Gentlemen, we are too punctual for you. I have a cook who never asks whether the company has come, but whether the hour has come.” (Times and Seasons, 2:270).

(Best-Loved Humor of the LDS People, p. 204-212)

* * * * *

J. Golden Kimball: You never saw a man in your life do a wrong thing, who was happy over it. You never saw men violate a commandment of God and fell jubilant over it...If they have the Spirit of the Lord, they feel miserable...but I think it is wrong to despise the man that has a weakness, and make him feel that he is good for nothing, and that there is not much chance for him. I think I can safely say to you Latter-day Saints that you will all be saved, every one of you; the only difference will be some will be saved sooner than others. (J. Golden Kimball, His Sermons, December 1891-April 1938, edited by Bonnie Taylor, 102)

* * * * *